The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Before & after 😅
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.