@Fickle_Filly: The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
@JessicaValenti: Whenever I feel discouraged, I remember the words of my then-3 yr old after she puked carrots on the floor: “I’m gonna need more carrots.”
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit
@Brampersandon_: *Guy is rushed in on a stretcher* DR: what happened EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon DR: WE'VE GOT AN OGREDOSE