GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
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There are no pants in heaven.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Brilliant!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids