me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Best misinterpreted text ever!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.