The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Holy shit he’s back
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?