the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Does it…does it take 3 days
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?