Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”