[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?