1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit