My spirit animal is fried chicken
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I hope they boil the right one.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”