The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s the weekend y’all
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
He’s dead
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.