[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Florida be like…
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?