garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo