The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”