The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox