The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.