The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Imma just leave this here…………
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
english majors be like furthermore
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up