@sixfootcandy: The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
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@bobvulfov: [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
@bobvulfov: LAWYER: ur dad's estate— ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing M: shit
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.