The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend