@sixfootcandy: The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my tires look like donuts? Cop: Get out
@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@XplodingUnicorn: Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.