the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If you know, you know
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?