“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.