I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.