“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
One venti cheeseburger please.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.