The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea