“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.