The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
me doing my best
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.