The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
A short story of betrayal:
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.