The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
there’s probably a fee though
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Merry Christmas
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My diet starts in January
of 2027
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best