@TheLieLamaa: The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour ...
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@dshack8: Anytime I'm watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn't use them.
@BGH70: Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes. Me: Thanks! I'll tell my feet. [Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
@kimlockhartga: Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It's either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
@FoxCGrandpa: Reading my shopping list and finding "a shit ton of oats" clearly in goat handwriting again