1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.