My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
what it’s like dating me:
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.