@DaddyJew: The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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@MakesYouGiggle: Netflix: Are you still there? Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.
@TwoSapphiresBlu: Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.