Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what鈥檚 that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it鈥檚 to keep out ants
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
life is a highway and I鈥檓 afraid to merge
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I鈥檓 not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don鈥檛 get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.