@Momfia: The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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@anildash: Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying "My, uh… friend said…"
@david8hughes: "Have u seen my cat?" "I saw a cat down the road?" "Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?" "No, the one I saw was dead."
@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
@DiscoFruit: i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you.. - bees