@Momfia: The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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@Try2StopME: I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
@iwearaonesie: "Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
@thenatewolf: WIFE: You kept screaming “no, no, no, no, no” in your sleep. What were you dreaming about? ME: a well balanced diet and exercise
@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.