@Momfia: The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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@Lisabug74: Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop
@liv_thatsme: Me: Will I be happy in 2017? (peers into crystal ball) Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN Psychic: I don't know; I've never seen one explode before