@Momfia: The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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@bridger_w: Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
@man_spach: [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
@malcolmsparks: Kids are so inquisitive. "Will robots ever take over the world?" Me: "Almost certainly." "But when? Before I die?" "A bit before, yes."
@cheeky__gal: I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can't tell because I'm eating Doritos.