The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.