The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts