@TheDairylandDon: The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
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@stuckinaportal: *walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss* wtf? "dad i can explain" u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
@Book_Krazy: [quietly] "Always a bridesmaid never the bride" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! "Shhh...this day is about you, not me."
@jeffswarens: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?