The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot