The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.