Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Yes
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually