If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Bro what is this
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I ate everything, including the H.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name