The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Potatoes were such a good idea
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer