@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
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@KevinFarzad: People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.
@FattMernandez: I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
@Fred_Delicious: I bet Lincoln is looking down like "dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater"