@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
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@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.
@Prince_Smarming: Imagine my surprise when I found out "restraining order" did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
@mompsychologist: Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
@SortaBad: Taco Bell manager: I'm sorry, you didn't get the job. It's your drug test Me: so you mean... Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply