The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!