The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)