My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.