The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks