@CulturedRuffian: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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@JohnHilsen: Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you're not microwave-safe.
@GoldenSpirals: [At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*