The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
You Might Also Like
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?