The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Do not steal food from the science building!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Flock of bats
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster