[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I鈥檒l allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I鈥檓 an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
(during sex)
Don鈥檛 move! Don鈥檛 move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 馃
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating