The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
*puts words between two asterisks*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
cyclists
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.