Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate