@TheFemKilljoy: The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there's no one around to see it.
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@MsSugar_Kisses: "You should leave your wife..." The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning...
@iwearaonesie: "UNLESS WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE'S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!" - me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
@realHamOnWry: Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.