Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else