If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Always 🥴
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.