The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*Seductively hides in the woods
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
2022 will be better than 2021
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.