On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.